This is it. This is the deep, dark secret I never wanted anyone to know.

I’ll be honest: I don’t want to do this — but I feel like God has commanded me. I fear His judgement more than any of yours. But before I go any further, I suppose I should go back to the beginning as I best understand it.

I remember being exposed to pornography at a terrifyingly young age. I had to have been 9 or 10 years old as I was in the 4th grade. As a father of two children who will be this age soon, those words are haunting to write. All it took was a couple of bad influence friends and little to no supervision at home.

Just like that, pornography consumption and the empty pursuit of sexual “fulfillment” would control my life for the next 20 years. I can literally trace back to the exact day when sex went from a strange taboo to an obsession.

Porn is toxic. It’s toxic to your mind. It’s toxic to your relationships. Sadly, I know my story is similar to thousands of other men who are living a secret life right now. It’s a silent epidemic. We just don’t want to talk about it. It’s too awkward.

So what does this have to do with being a High Value Dad? A lot.

After years of shame, self-hatred, and hiding, I was exhausted. I had a beautiful wife and a newborn son. I had it “all,” yet was still empty. I knew I could never be the type of man and leader I wanted to be until I slayed my demons.

I remember seeing visions of the future where my sons sneak onto dad’s computer and stumble onto the search history. How pathetic. What moral authority would I ever have to guide them?

I understood that my sons will face these exact same challenges as they get older and become young men. How could I possibly guide them through it if I never learned how to guide myself through it? I refused to let this be my reality.

I finally hit “rock bottom.” I was tired of hiding. In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have possibly happened to me. For the first time in a long time, I felt “hope” again.

It wasn’t until decades later that I learned what had actually taken place in my 9-year-old brain — and why it felt so impossible to break free for all those years. It also showed me the path to freedom.

As a father, it’s your duty to understand the dangers of online pornography and how they impact developing brains — and yours.

Porn “Rewires” the Brain

"Internet pornography changes children's brain cells." – Neurosurgeon Donald Hilton

The brain of a young child who consumes a "reward" like porn is undergoing addictive learning that leaves an imprint through an extremely powerful printing process.

The neural pathways formed by consuming content as high-stimulus as pornography as a child are powerful. The brain doesn’t forget.

Porn also wreaks havoc on the brain's "dopamine reward system,” making it harder to find excitement or fulfillment in healthy relationships and “normal” sources of pleasure. This is how it easily becomes an addictive behavior.

Kids' brains are extra moldable. This can set them up for a lifetime of problems.

Early access to pornography is also correlated to the erosion of a child’s prefrontal cortex, thus rewiring the brain to remain in a more juvenile state.

Damage to the prefrontal cortex can cause a child to struggle to adjust to his or her emotions and impulses. Impulse control is a KEY skill your kids will need to become successful adults.

Research also suggests that the earlier children are exposed to porn, the more likely they are to become regular consumers. I am certainly a case study for this theory.

Of course, the dangers of pornography don’t just apply to kids. As men, we must guard our hearts and minds if we are to be the spiritual leaders of our households.

Neuroscientist Andrew Huberman recently explained the brain mechanisms that can trap adults in a cycle of porn addiction:

"But the idea here is that, you know, I'm not saying pornography, as a stimulus, is bad or good, what I'm saying is in its availability and its extreme forms it's a very potent stimulus and very potent stimuli of any kind — extremely palatable food, extreme pornography, extreme experiences, like bungee cord jumping — those set a threshold for dopamine release.”

He adds: "The higher the dopamine peak the bigger the drop afterwards and it's not that you drop to baseline you drop below baseline."

A Path to Freedom

If you are still trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage, I need you to understand that it is not hopeless. You are not a terrible human being. You are not, as I told my own reflection countless times, a “piece of shit.”

You are never beyond redemption, nor are you under any obligation to be the man you were yesterday. That’s the first step. Give yourself the grace to grow.

Men in our society are encouraged to engage in endless casual sexual behavior to “get it out of your system.” But I’ll never forget what a friend once told me: “You don’t get it out of your system. You get it into your system.”

If you find yourself constantly engaging in behaviors you know are bad for you, it’s a good time to evaluate whether your issues are more deeply rooted in the programming of your mind.

While everyone’s path will look different, I wanted to share mine:

1. Find support. Trying to deal with any major struggle by yourself can feel impossible. Find a community of support, whether that is family, friends, a therapist, a support group, or all of the above. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Don’t let shame keep you in the shadows.

2. Embrace accountability. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted on the day I was finally able to talk to my wife when I was struggling. She is my partner and I am accountable to her.

3. Rewire your brain. In order to break old neural pathways (habits), you have to replace them with new ones. This is 100% possible and science-based — it just takes a lot of discipline and repetition. For example, while working with a great therapist, I was able to identify which patterns of behavior and feelings led me to behave in unhealthy ways. I then replaced old unhealthy habits with productive ones, such as working out and meditating. It is, of course, a lot more difficult than it sounds. It takes a minimum of 90 days to create a new neural pathway. It is not an easy process, but it is an amazing feeling to finally take control over your life.

Unsurprisingly, all the other parts of my life got better after I exerted control over this once uncontrollable aspect of my life. I was more present with my family and finally had enough focus to start my own business.

Whether you are personally struggling or not, it’s still important for parents to understand the potentially lifelong impact pornography can have on developing minds.

How you choose to protect your own children is entirely up to you. Just understand the Enemy you are fighting, his tactics, and be prepared to respond when he preys on your kids.

If you would like additional resources or even a prayer, you can respond to this email and I will be happy to help.

God bless every one of you,

Jason Howerton
Founder, High Value Dad